she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
