the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
