Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
