can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
