My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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