Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
