My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
