Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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