He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
