remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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