When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
