Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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