All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
