i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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