why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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