After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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