Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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