I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He has the fingertips of a God
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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