I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
