she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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