I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
