Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
