he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You pole danced in your parka.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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