from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
