...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
