My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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