Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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