This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
