Dude my mom stole all your condoms
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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