if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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