yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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