..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
