Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Enjoy the penises
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
