Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize