the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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