i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
