does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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