Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
