i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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