things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
