some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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