i was born a porn star she said
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
