seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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