If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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