people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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