if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
