sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
porn star boner night. come get it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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