And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
