She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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