yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
