after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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