Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
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How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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